Have you ever told your child "Don't spill that" and a moment later they spill it? Or you say "Don't go on the street" and they instantly take a step onto the road? Or you say "Don't drop that" and your child lets go of the item?
One of the greatest tips I received from my Mother-in-Law, before I even had kids, was to avoid using the word "don't" when talking to children. And the reason is, children can't hear the word don't. They just hear whatever you say AFTER the word "don't". So in reality, if you've ever said the above sentences, your children actually heard you say "Spill that", "Go on the street", and "Drop that." And if that is the case, they were actually obeying you!
Before I had children of my own, I had the opportunity to work with a 4 year old autistic child in his home. One day his parents sent us out to get Slurpee's at a convenience store about 4 blocks away. After I handed this boy his Slurpee I said "Don't drop it"...and guess what he did?! He immediately let go of the cup. Luckily he had the straw in his mouth and had it supported against his chest so it didn't drop. I grabbed the cup, thought for a moment and then said "Here, hang on tight." And would you believe it?! He carried his own Slurpee the rest of the way home with no problems. I actually didn't think much of it until we walked into his house, and his mom saw him holding his own Slurpee, and commented "How did you do that?! He's never been able to carry his own Slurpee home." That was the first time I really understood the importance of the advice to avoid using the word "don't".
Now that I have 5 children of my own, I strive to follow this. It is not easy and I often find myself saying "don't do that!"...but am also usually able to catch myself and instantly follow with a positive direction, "Leave that alone."
So just for fun...here are some examples of "don't" sentences and alternate statements:
"Don't touch that" = "Keep your hands off"
"Don't go on the road" = "Stay on the sidewalk"
"Don't hit" = "Be gentle" or "Keep hands to yourself"
"Don't yell" = "Speak softly/nicely"
"Don't play with that" = "Leave that alone"
"Don't run" = "Please walk"
"Don't pick your nose" = "Keep your fingers out of your nose"
Have you ever had a frustrating "don't" experience or have any thoughts on this subject? I hope you'll share it!
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This is great advice!
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, it's not just kids that are unable to hear the word "don't". Adults have the same problem too, but we have more self control and logic to be able to compensate for it. I think our brains are hardwired to ignore the negative qualifier. For example, if someone says: "Don't think about pink elephants!", it is IMPOSSIBLE, at least for a fleeting moment to not think of pink elephants. So in all of our communication, with children AND adults, avoiding the word "don't" or other negative qualifiers will get much better results!
(Whenever I see someone write: "If you have any questions DON'T HESITATE to ask", at the end of a letter, the word "hesitate" is what sticks in my brain... so guess what I do? I hesitate.)